You don’t need to be in politics to deal with conflict. It’s something we all have to manage at some time. And disagreement is not a bad thing. It’s just an opportunity to learn. Still, it helps to have a way of handling tension that doesn’t escalate it.
In this edition of Beyond The Numbers, we sat down with Nandor Tanczos— business owner, Whakatāne District Councillor and current candidate for Mayor—to talk about the tool that’s reshaped the way he leads, listens, and handles high-stakes conversations: Non-violent Communication (NVC).
“It’s the single most powerful conflict resolution tool I’ve ever come across.”
Non-violent communication is a technique for deconflicting a tense situation. It seems too simple, even naive, but it works remarkably well. It’s made up of 4 basic steps.
Step 1: Observe what’s happening—without judgement
The first step in NVC is to describe what happened factually, without blame or assumption.
“We jump straight into blame—‘you’re lazy’, ‘you don’t care’—and that shuts down communication. If you start with just describing what actually happened, people are less likely to get defensive and switch off.”
Example: Instead of saying
→ “You always miss deadlines.”
Try:
→ “You didn’t submit the report by Friday like we agreed.”
It’s specific, clear, and avoids emotional loading—giving the other person space to respond without feeling attacked.
“It’s not about softening the message. It’s about being precise. And being precise builds trust.”
Step 2: Identify the underlying feeling
Recognising and naming emotion—your own or someone else’s—is the key to lowering defensiveness and moving forward.
“I was once threatened by an angry guy at Dunedin Airport” says Nandor. “My stress response is often to laugh, which made him even angrier and he stormed off. I wasn’t happy about it so later, I went and found him. I just said, ‘You’re obviously really angry. Why is that?’ I genuinely wanted to understand and that completely shifted the dynamic.”
That moment turned into a conversation. The man wasn’t really angry at Nandor—he was just overwhelmed. His business was falling apart, and he didn’t know where to turn.
“It wasn’t personal. People carry a lot. Sometimes we’re just the nearest target – especially if you’re a politician – so you can’t take things personally. We need to look beyond our own ego reaction to what is really going on.”
Example:
→ “I can see you’re really frustrated about how that meeting went.”
Not:
→ “You need to calm down.”
When you identify and name the emotion, the person knows they have been heard and that allows them to let it go. They don’t need to keep trying to tell you. So you just repeat back to them what emotion you see and if you get it wrong, it’s all good. They’ll correct you. Keep going until they confirm you got it right. Sometimes you can literally see the tension leave their body when you are able to name what they are feeling. Having said that, identifying our own emotions can be the real challenge.”
Step 3: Link the feeling to an unmet need
NVC teaches that feelings are signals—indicators that a need isn’t being met.
“Every strong emotion is the result of an unmet need. Frustration might reflect a need for clarity. Resentment might reflect a need for fairness.”
In conflict, this framing changes everything. Instead of focusing on what someone did, you explore what they needed.
Example:
→ “I felt overwhelmed during the meeting because I need more clarity around my responsibilities.”
Not:
→ “You dumped everything on me.”
“If I’m getting worked up, I try to pause and ask: What need am I protecting here? And thinking about other people’s needs allows me to have a bit more empathy.”
Non-violent communication teaches us that people’s needs are never in conflict. It is our strategies for meeting our needs that clash. Understanding explicitly what is behind the feelings in the room makes it possible to find solutions that meet all our needs in service of a collective goal.
This kind of self-reflection has helped Nandor stay grounded during tense negotiations, staffing issues, and political debates.
Step 4: Make a specific, actionable request
Once you’ve identified the need, the next step is making a clear request—something the other person can actually respond to.
“Saying ‘You’re not respecting me’ is not a request. But asking someone to notify you if they’re running late is.”
Example:
→ “Next time, can you text me if you’ll be more than 10 minutes late?”
Not:
→ “Stop wasting my time.”
The request should be realistic, positive, and focused on what you do want.
“When you’re clear about what you need, people don’t have to read your mind. What you mean by ‘respect’, for example, might be totally different from what someone else means, Being explicit about what behaviours you are asking for avoids ambiguity – and sometimes can be a reality check on whether what we are asking for is reasonable”
This clarity makes feedback conversations more effective and reduces resentment before it builds up.
What if you’re the only one using it?
NVC isn’t a script. It’s a mindset. And even if the other person isn’t trained in it, it still works.
“That’s the magic of it—it still works. You can bring the tone down just by shifting your own approach.”
Nandor shared how he once addressed a colleague who had been undermining him behind his back—not with accusation, but with openness.
“I didn’t call them out in a meeting. I quietly took them aside and said: ‘ I’ve heard that you’ve been saying (x) behind my back. I’m surprised because I didn’t expect that from you. If you have issues with me please come talk to me face to face.’”
It wasn’t the first or last time something like that had happened to him. Dealing with it openly and firmly, without trying to humiliate the person, has been an effective response.
Final Thoughts: The Emotional Side of Leadership
For Nandor, leadership isn’t about control—it’s about creating space where honest conversations can happen and good decisions are made. The clearer we can all be with each other the better, and understanding what is driving people allows you to find strategies that meet everyone’s needs in pursuit of a common purpose.
“You can’t talk strategy until people feel heard. Sometimes you have to clear the emotional space first.”
And this is what makes Non-violent Communication so powerful in leadership, teams, and business.
“You don’t need to win every argument. But if you can really listen, there’s often less to fight about in the first place. I see a lot of arguments between people who fundamentally agree with each other but they get fixated on small details that prevent them moving forward,. They end up talking past each other. Listening to the different concerns, with a view to understanding rather than rebutting them, often means that with small adjustments you can get everyone’s buy-in.”
Curious about how this kind of communication could help your team or leadership style?
What Is Nonviolent Communication (NVC)?
Nonviolent Communication is a structured approach to resolving conflict. Developed by psychologist Marshall Rosenberg, it’s used by business leaders, educators, and even mediators in war zones.
Learn more about the NVC model here
Curious about how this kind of communication could help your team or leadership style? Let’s talk. Sometimes the most powerful thing you can change is how you listen.
